Wednesday, September 13, 2017

LIZARD BOY ATTACKS MICHIGAN STATE FAIR IN MANCELONA

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications
Mancelona Michigan is the only town in all of Michigan that has a factory that is generating new jobs. Last year the Bushwhacked and Scalped Beauty College added three new jobs and this year they hope to double that to six new jobs. It is because of the prosperity of this little town that each year the Michigan State Fair is held here. The fairgrounds are also the home to several Lithuanian country singers along with several aging disco groups from Scandinavia. “Dancing Queen” is the favorite song of the elite trend setters in the area. It is interesting to note that the entire original Curse of the Blind Dead”, movies were partly shot in this area using local talent. Somehow, a couple of my great uncles ended up in these movies and at the time they were actually dead.

Today Lizard Boy spread terror throughout Northern Michigan when he attacked the fairgrounds in Mancelona which at the time was full of families. After Lizard Boy attacked the fair he made off with the blue ribbon pig of young 12 year old Chubby Chasseur. This 4 foot tall 250 lb boy spent his entire summer turning a scrawny ignorant little piglet into a 800lb monster trained pig that could belch, sing and, pass gas all at the same time, in time and, to the tune of “Look Away Dixieland”. Edward the talented pig was ruthlessly grabbed and pulled off the fairgrounds into a forest and never heard from the rest of this day. Edwards last words as he was taken away by the large lizard monster were “oink you, you big nasty lizard. Oink you!”

Chubby Chasseur suffered a mild heart attack after his pig was whisked away with his blue ribbon still dangling from his neck and his Pabst Blue Ribbon mug of beer still held in his cloven hooves. It seems that Chubby’s fat little heart could not take the stress of having his pet blue ribbon trained pig stolen off the fairgrounds. According to Chubby’s mother Mrs. Darlene Chasseur, “Chubby lost both a friend in that big pig and he also lost the $700 the butcher shop offered to pay for the big pig. It seems this pig is a disappointment to Chubby just like his daddy who to this day does not admit that Chubby is his kid. I mean except for the fact that Chubby’s dad is tall, smart and skinny, Chubby is just like him. I mean Chubby does not look anything like me. The only time I was lazy and fat was when I was pregnant with Chubby.”

Everyone in Northern Michigan is asking themselves, “When will the Lizard Boy terror end? When can we get back to living normal lives of sunning ourselves on the beach all day and endless parties that last until we find ourselves lying on the beach as the sun comes up. For now we must all live in fear? We live in fear of our pork and our bacon. For so long as Lizard Boy is out there we can never feel safe. I guess what we all want is for one brave hero to step forward and put a stop to our terror. We need one brave soul who can find a way to stop Lizard Boy.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

POEM FROM ANONYMOUS LIZARD MONSTER VICTIM

The following poem was left behind at a make-shift lizard monster victims memorial in Lansing, Michigan:

You little lizard monster,
You steal my bacon and my ham,
You ate my sister's sweet pet pig,
He was my little nephew Sam,

How can you be so evil,
Your stomach is so at ease,
To digest my sister's only best friend,
Leaving his feces form didn't appease,

My sister's mind has gone insane,
You're so evil you do not care,
I just hope you windup in feces form,
Left from the belly of a bear. 
 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

REVENGE OF THE LIZARD MONSTER

By Ted Collin
Associate Editor,
Humor New Nuts

The lizard monster is getting bigger and feeding more. He has spread his siege of terror across Benzie, Grand Traverse and now Leelanau counties. Campers and residents alike have fallen victim to his voracious appetite for bacon. Unfortunately, this creature is growing not just in reputation but, he is getting much bigger than he was when the fist reports started coming in.

The once foot tall creature is now almost three feet tall. It seems he has gone from being a lizard boy to being a lizard tween (not quite a teenage lizard but, no longer just a boy). Lizardologist (scientist who study lizards) would call him a twizzard. The real problem now is that with the growth of his physical body, this absconder of pork products now has an even more voracious appetite.

The latest reported victims were a couple in their 60’s who recently retired from downstate to a quiet cottage just outside of Suttons Bay. Dr. and Mrs. Stein Franken were the last victims of the lizard creature’s appetite. This was an especially cruel attack since the good Dr. Franken and his wife had moved to Northern Michigan to get away from the stigma the couple felt for the involvement of Dr. Franken in the creation of the monster known as the Franken Moose. The Doctor and his wife were sure they could put the past behind them in their quiet woodland cottage far from the technologies that made the creation of the Franken Moose monster possible. Oh, does fate have no pity?

The incident with the lizard creature occurred a few days ago. It was a hot summer evening and the Franken family had a few neighbors over for a pool party and a luau, complete with a traditional pig roast. Just as everyone was skinny dipping and splashing about in the pool, a smashing noise came from over near the roasting pig. Dr. and Mrs. Franken along with their neighbors climbed out of the pool and approached the roasting pig witch was on the other side of a hedge. As they round the hedge they saw a three foot tall lizard like creature with suction cups on the ends of its fingers and a suction cup for a mouth, holding up the entire pig carcass with one end in each hand and eating it from side to side like an ear of corn. The creature looked directly at the crowd but did not stop eating. Instead, he grimaced like he was annoyed at the people watching him eat, stuffed the carcass under one arm like a football and exited through the hole in the privacy fence that he had originally broken through. Then, he ran off into the woods behind the cottage.

None of the skinny dippers would go after the great lizard since behind the privacy fence were several large poison ivy plants. As soon as it got dark enough so no one could see them, the neighbors went home leaving the Frankens to suffer alone. . The party was ruined and all the participants will need many years of psychoanalysis to remove the trauma from their psyche.

The Frankens already lost a daughter over the Franken Moose tragedy. She no longer has anything to do with her parents except over the summer and holiday breaks. She also calls them every week to get money since, she is now a junior at Central Michigan University. Beyond that, she never speaks to them.

How much longer can the people of Northwestern Michigan put up with these cruel attacks? We are suffering so much and yet, the federal government does nothing to protect our pork products from this lizard monster. Perhaps it will take the killing of other animals before the federal government decides to get involved. If this creature were killing off some endangered species of mosquito then, the feds would be all over this story.

Well, I digress. We just need some relief. If you can’t count on your pork being protected by government then, what good is government? Please, someone just help us stop this monster.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

LIZARD MONSTER TERRORIZES NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in Northwestern Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black and orange bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

ODE TO LIZARD BOY
Mrs Blinder,the poor lady that had the closest encounter with the lizard creature, has sent us a copy of a poem she wrote about the creature. Her encounter was so traumatic that she said that only through writing poetry can she deal with the nightmares she is still having after her confrontation with the strange creature.

LIZARD MONSTER
Lizard monster from the mist,
In my dreams your face persists,
You turn my mind from thoughts of good,
To your evil ways out in the wood,

Oh lizard boy or, is it man?
Will you grow bigger if you can?
Will your appetites increase?
Shall we campers have no peace?

After stealing my bacon,
Off into the woods you run,
Will you next eat pigs or sheep?
Will you devour me in my sleep?

Lizard boy where are you from,
No one knows from whence you come,
What are you, you little beast?
On what other worlds have you feast?

I have now said all I have to say,
I just wish you would go away,
You stole my bacon and my meal,
Now it's my sanity you steal.

I'm sure everyone wishes this poor lady a speedy recovery. Unfortunately, in regards to the creature, he appears to be getting much larger according to the most recent reports. He has also begun stealing other food from campers besides bacon. Hot dogs, bratwurst and even soda pop have been disappearing all over Northern Michigan. We can only hope that the lizard creature will be hunted down like the reptile he is and have the law serve him vengeance as cold as his reptilian blood.