Wednesday, September 13, 2017

LIZARD BOY ATTACKS MICHIGAN STATE FAIR IN MANCELONA

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications
Mancelona Michigan is the only town in all of Michigan that has a factory that is generating new jobs. Last year the Bushwhacked and Scalped Beauty College added three new jobs and this year they hope to double that to six new jobs. It is because of the prosperity of this little town that each year the Michigan State Fair is held here. The fairgrounds are also the home to several Lithuanian country singers along with several aging disco groups from Scandinavia. “Dancing Queen” is the favorite song of the elite trend setters in the area. It is interesting to note that the entire original Curse of the Blind Dead”, movies were partly shot in this area using local talent. Somehow, a couple of my great uncles ended up in these movies and at the time they were actually dead.

Today Lizard Boy spread terror throughout Northern Michigan when he attacked the fairgrounds in Mancelona which at the time was full of families. After Lizard Boy attacked the fair he made off with the blue ribbon pig of young 12 year old Chubby Chasseur. This 4 foot tall 250 lb boy spent his entire summer turning a scrawny ignorant little piglet into a 800lb monster trained pig that could belch, sing and, pass gas all at the same time, in time and, to the tune of “Look Away Dixieland”. Edward the talented pig was ruthlessly grabbed and pulled off the fairgrounds into a forest and never heard from the rest of this day. Edwards last words as he was taken away by the large lizard monster were “oink you, you big nasty lizard. Oink you!”

Chubby Chasseur suffered a mild heart attack after his pig was whisked away with his blue ribbon still dangling from his neck and his Pabst Blue Ribbon mug of beer still held in his cloven hooves. It seems that Chubby’s fat little heart could not take the stress of having his pet blue ribbon trained pig stolen off the fairgrounds. According to Chubby’s mother Mrs. Darlene Chasseur, “Chubby lost both a friend in that big pig and he also lost the $700 the butcher shop offered to pay for the big pig. It seems this pig is a disappointment to Chubby just like his daddy who to this day does not admit that Chubby is his kid. I mean except for the fact that Chubby’s dad is tall, smart and skinny, Chubby is just like him. I mean Chubby does not look anything like me. The only time I was lazy and fat was when I was pregnant with Chubby.”

Everyone in Northern Michigan is asking themselves, “When will the Lizard Boy terror end? When can we get back to living normal lives of sunning ourselves on the beach all day and endless parties that last until we find ourselves lying on the beach as the sun comes up. For now we must all live in fear? We live in fear of our pork and our bacon. For so long as Lizard Boy is out there we can never feel safe. I guess what we all want is for one brave hero to step forward and put a stop to our terror. We need one brave soul who can find a way to stop Lizard Boy.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

POEM FROM ANONYMOUS LIZARD MONSTER VICTIM

The following poem was left behind at a make-shift lizard monster victims memorial in Lansing, Michigan:

You little lizard monster,
You steal my bacon and my ham,
You ate my sister's sweet pet pig,
He was my little nephew Sam,

How can you be so evil,
Your stomach is so at ease,
To digest my sister's only best friend,
Leaving his feces form didn't appease,

My sister's mind has gone insane,
You're so evil you do not care,
I just hope you windup in feces form,
Left from the belly of a bear.